One of the curiously intimate aspects of hurtling down a road on a motorcycle with just ten feet or so of separation from one’s travelling companions is the silent camaraderie arising from smugly knowing each other’s Road Nickname or Handle.

Rarely shouted into the wind, sometimes mumbled over breakfast, lunch or the occasional pesky red light, a Father’s Handle is a unique identifier distinct from other nicknames familiar to a rider’s spouse, kids, mailman, boss, lackey, barmate, former girlfriend, ex in-law, arresting officer, bagel barrista, plumber, software vendor and that guy you bump into once a year at the hardware store with whom you earnestly chat like you’re old friends despite the recurrent annual realization that you can never quite place him.

The Handle is as permanent as road rash.

Or not.

The giving of a Handle is a sign that a new rider has been welcomed into the group. Longstanding tradition at the Fathers of Lethargy dictates that Handles are bequeathed solely by the Road King, sometimes after a measure of thought but often more capriciously and have not, genesis aside, historically been subject to whining, challenge, appeal or any similar insurrection, scurvy or other BS. Lately, however, the sudden overthrow of numerous former (or soon-to-be former) middle east tyrants is a stark reminder that any despot worth half his oil reserves must wield his sovereign cudgel judiciously and provide a relief valve for foment. Accordingly, Handles at the Fathers of Lethargy remain as indelible as tattoos except as provided in the deliberately limited circumstances below:

Once in a Blue Moon, a (typically needy and insecure) Father may express angst with his or her given Handle and seek to appeal the Handle to a Higher Authority. While this is usually an ill-advised approach as compared to the more manly GrinAndBearIt strategy, the occasional crybaby will insist on his or her day in court oblivious to the inconvenience to the group, so the Fathers have adopted the following simple procedure to fairly resolve all such grievances regardless of their merit or, more likely, lack thereof:

The appellant (hereinafter the Supplicant) must initiate his or her appeal (hereinafter the Supplication) by posting same on this web site in a formal announcement (hereinafter the Running Joke) for five successive Thursdays in any single calendar month (hereinafter the High Hurdle), including one such High Hurdle Thursday which coincides with a full moon (hereinafter the Full Moon High Hurdle Thursday). In addition, at precisely Midnight on the Full Moon High Hurdle Thursday, the Supplicant must kneel at Smoot marker 182.2 and bark at the Moon for a full minute.

Upon completion of the foregoing Full Moon High Hurdle Thursday requirements, duly certified by the Supplicant’s accompanying sworn affidavit (hereinafter the Big Lie), the Supplicant’s Supplication shall be deemed properly filed and shall be scheduled for an adjudicatory hearing (hereinafter the Free Lunch) before a quorum (representing, in the aggregate, a sum greater than 50% of Founding Father voting shares as allocated hereinbelow) of Founding Fathers  at a roadside dining establishment of the attendant Founding Fathers’ whim. The Free Lunch shall be paid for in full by the Supplicant well prior to final adjudication (hereinafter the Obvious Outcome) of the Supplication.

The Founding Fathers assiduously strive for unanimity in organizational governance decisions,  including handle votes. Accordingly, in an effort to downplay dissension while simultaneously fostering communal obfuscation, the following procedure will be strictly followed to allot voting shares: Inspector Gadget is alloted a voting share percentage equivalent to a fraction, the numerator of which is the smallest of the prime numbers and the denominator of which is the third smallest prime number multiplied by the smallest prime number. Pirate Bob is alloted a voting share percentage equivalent to a fraction, the numerator of which is the combined number of wheel spokes on the Road King’s and Inspector Gadget’s Harley Davidsons and the denominator of which is Euclid’s third perfect number. Pit Stop is alloted a voting share percentage equivalent to a fraction, the numerator of which is the first known irrational (fittingly enough) number truncated to 65 decimal places and the denominator of which is the fourth prime number. The Road King is alloted any and all remaining voting shares.

Ya want an EASY button? Try Staples.

9 Responses to Handles

  1. Pit Stop says:

    Roadking , after regurgitating your take on “Handles” , I’m bamboozled at the trivial allotted voting share percentage (or lack of) I’ve been allocated . I couldn’t even calculate it on my Frigian slide ruler . WTF . As a founding “Father” I’m shocked , ….shocked I say by this abortion of justice . At the next (?) meeting , I will take issue with this , make no mistake. In keeping with our very low standards , I expect nothing , but will except anything , I think . Now , am I going to be Knighted at some point “Crepitus” ? Fin .

    • Road King says:

      Pit Stop, er, Crepitus,
      I’m impressed! I think you may be the first member to actually run the numbers.
      I therefore knight you Crepitus I.
      Good luck with that.

  2. Road King says:

    For the record the appeal procedure was not written by a lawyer (or a mathematician)…

  3. Gadget says:

    Works for me

Leave a Reply